Okay, Amanda, I thought to myself. This is like, what? Your third night in a row in bed?
The workday was over and I’d shut myself away with a laptop, some comfort snacks, and a serious determination to finish Insecure on HBO. And I had no intention of getting up. Ever.
Which would have been fine, except that I realized this was becoming a pattern of the week. That bothered me.
I really would have loved to cast away all worries and anxieties about the week to the wind and binge-watched sad documentaries (now you know never to ask me for comforting movie recommendations) until it was way past my bedtime. But I also knew that I’d be really unhappy with myself if I did.
Because while one part of me wanted to spend my third evening of the week this way, there was another part of me that didn’t want to.
I was sitting across from an incredible human being over salads and coffee in a local lunch spot and I was scared to death.
It wasn’t this human’s fault. She was becoming a person I trusted. You know those people you meet at random times in life who make you feel like God cut you from the same cloth? Like your souls share the same threaded design? This was how I felt with her, a person slowly becoming a friend as we decided to share small swatches of our hearts with one another, bit by bit, testing the waters to see if they felt safe.
And they had so far. But things were getting scary for me. Because I did feel safe, and that meant I had to wade a little deeper. I had to share a little more. If I wanted to take this acquaintance-becoming-friend to full-fledged-partnership, I knew I needed to make my way to the deep end, revealing more vulnerable realities I carried around inside clenched fists so nobody could see them.
Back and forth. My brain feels like a ping-pong ball is bouncing around inside it, trying desperately to come to some kind of rest. With every post, every bucket list goal, every scan of the news, every conversation with someone who isn’t like me, the thoughts keep rolling.
All I could do was blink at the screen. My body felt lethargic, drained of any semblance of motivation. I was staring at my bucket list and I had no desire to complete the next item I was supposed to accomplish.
What was I thinking? I thought to myself. Back when I was making this list it seemed like this item might be a fun thing to do, but now it just seems boring. I have no desire to cross this off my list. Why did I even put it on here?
Happy 2017, friends! Last year was such a ride, and I’m excited to see what 2017 has in store.
And of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have goals for the year. If you’ve been following this blog, you’re probably like, duh Amanda. Goals are like, who you are. You are made of goals. Goals basically fall out of your ears.
As a therapist, it’s my job to help people achieve their goals. Many of the people I see come into the therapy room with visions for their lives, but they feel stuck or unable to get there. Their dreams seem impossible, so far out of reach that they’ll never be actualized.
Hola, amigos! Today I write to you from the warmth of Puerto Rico!
If you know me in real life you may know that I am half Puerto Rican, although I don’t appear Hispanic at all. Most people think I’m your regular ol’ white girl, which I pretty much am in my physical features. But you know I got that Latina blood in me.
Being here these past few days has been a much needed escape from the hustle and bustle of winter city life. It’s as warm as my summertime dreams and as beautiful as paradise. My family and I spent a few days on the beach in the southern part of the island, and now we’re up in the mountains on the east side with extended family.
But more on this later. For now we have lots to catch up on! I’ve been crossing off a few things from the bucket list and I’m pumped to share with you.